No intro today, just get on with the singing.
Asian Bieber Elijah - "Stay" by Rihanna feat. Mikky Ekko
Elijah starts the night by boring me to death with a ballad. His high voice actually made him sound like Rihanna in places, which was funny. He and Rihanna both have about a three-note range but Elijah's only hitting about 30% of the notes in the song. His lower register is where he goes off-key the most. At least the performance was mercifully short.
The judges pimp Elijah to the moon as part of the producer's plans to let anyone besides a WGWG to win this season.
Grade: D. The 12 year old girls with iPhones will vote for him.
Cortez - "Locked Out of Heaven" by Bruno Mars
As soon as I heard Cortez was singing Bruno Mars, I was like, "Great. Another ballad." They played a segment of his song from last week in his video package which featured a terribly off-key high note and it made me cringe. But then I was surprised when the Bruno Mars song turns out to be uptempo. Thanks, Cortez. Now work on singing on key. His high belted notes are still off-key. In the shot of the judges, Nicki does not look happy. She might as well be giving the McKayla Maroney "not impressed" face. The last run of notes was on key but the rest was eh.
Nicki focused more on his dancing because she didn't have anything good to say about his vocals. Mariah thanks him for singing something uptempo.
Grade: D+.
Socially Awkward Charlie - "Mama" by Genesis
He talks about his mustache in his video package for some reason. He's wearing a tank top and has his hair back in a ponytail tonight. His lower register is off-key and some of his higher notes sound strained. He starts screaming at the chorus and he does the AI Poopy Dance. The whole performance was just bizarre.
The judges didn't like him this week. Afterwards, Charlie starts crying for sympathy votes.
Grade: D.
Nosferatu Nick - "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls
Nick is playing the piano. He sounds very breathy in his lower register, but his upper register sounds strained. At some point his voice cracks which makes me laugh. As soon as he finishes, the crowd goes nuts. Oy.
Keith said it was a perfect song choice.
Grade: D.
Burnell Urkel - "I'm Here" by LaChanze
Burnell sings his audition song because he can't come up with anything new. Right away, he's off-key. Overall the performance was nothing special so I tuned out for most of it. I did think the jean jacket, backwards baseball cap, and huge glasses made him look like Urkel.
The judges praised and pimped him and I went back to scrolling through Tumblr.
Grade: D-.
Paul - "Just a Fool" by Christina Aguilera feat. Blake Shelton
It's very hard to sing Christina, whether you're a guy or a girl. She's a one-of-a-kind vocalist. Paul is trying to belt but he doesn't have the voice for it so it sounds thin and strained. I can tell he's trying to look straight for the female fans so he can get votes, but his inner queen keeps coming out when he performs.
Keith asks him what kind of artist he wants to be. Paul says he wants to be the guy version of Taylor Swift and I laugh. He wants to be a twenty-something year old brat with the dating mentality of a middle schooler who shames his exes in his songs? Oooookay.
Grade: D.
Lazaro the Stutterer - "Feeling Good" by Nina Simone
Lazaro is wearing the same pink shirt he wore last week (they showed part of last week's performance in his video package). This week he starts off better than last week (I remember his vocals dipped a lot). He was still off-key in places, especially the last run of notes. But this is one of the most oversung songs on this show, which makes me think that he didn't choose it.
The judges pimp him and I go back to surfing Tumblr.
Grade: C-.
Curtis - "I Believe I Can Fly" by R. Kelly
I laughed at the song choice. That's a hell of a dose of nostalgia. He oversings again. His falsetto is off-key, and he makes a scrunchy face when he sings. That last run of notes was particularly painful.
I didn't pay attention to the judges' critiques.
Grade: D.
Tintin Devin - "Somos Novios (It's Impossible)" by Perry Como
Devin looks like Tintin. It's the hair. Since he was singing another goddamn ballad, I didn't pay attention to his performance at all. The judges like him, he's not a WGWG, so he's safe.
Grade: D. YOU DON'T NEED TO SING BALLADS TO PROVE YOU CAN SING.
Vincent - "End of the Road" by Boyz II Men
Curtis looks like Mr. Potato Head. Didn't Curtis already sing this tonight? I don't know these songs are sounding the same to me. He starts off-key right at the second note. Oy. His upper register sounds a little strained and his runs are off-key. The last few runs are very off-key.
The judges liked him. I stopped caring.
Grade: D-.
And finally, the results show that I didn't watch. They cut Breanna the Gargoyle, Scrunchy Face Aubrey, Tenna and her Wigs, Adriana from Alaska, and Zoanette the Awesome from the girls side and Asian Bieber, Cortez, Socially Awkward Charlie, Nosferatu Nick, and Vincent from the guys side.
So the Top 10 is Bland Janelle, Big Hair Angela, Amber, Kree the Janitor, Candice, Burnell Urkel, Paul, Lazaro the Stutterer, Curtis, and Tintin.
Most boring Top 10 ever.