There are several types of seen-it-befores that always make up the cast of Idol.
> The token screechy diva
- see: Kimberly Locke, Jennifer Hudson, Vonzell Solomon, Lakisha Jones, Syesha Mercado, Lil Rounds
> The female who isn’t as good as she thinks she is
- see: Katharine McPhee, Gina Glocksen, Carly Smithson, Haley Reinhart
> The skinny black guy who won’t make it anywhere near the finale
- see: George Huff, Brandon Rogers, Chikezie Eze, Jacob Lusk
> The skinny, pretty (sometimes blonde) girl who never wins
- see: Jessica Sierra, Lisa Tucker, Haley Scarnato, Brooke White, Shannon Magrane
> The precocious teenager who is the least professional and doesn’t put any emotion into their songs
- see: Mikalah Gordon, Kevin Covais, David Archuleta, Aaron Kelly, Lauren Alaina, Jessica Sanchez
> The contestant who becomes a victim of the token shocker elimination
- see: Constantine Maroulis, Chris Daughtry, Melinda Doolittle, Michael Johns, Pia Toscano
> The foreign-looking (usually Asian) contestant who will never win because Idol is racist
- see: Jasmine Trias, Ramiele Malubay, Anoop Desai, Thia Megia, Heejun Han
> The contestant whose sob story is milked to death on the show
- see: Fantasia Barrino (single mom), Anthony Federov (throat surgery), Kellie Pickler (dad in jail), Danny Gokey (wife passed away), Katie Stevens (grandmother has Alzheimer's)
> The “why won’t they go home?” contestant who actually can make the show entertaining
- see: Nikki McKibbin, Scott Savol, Sanjaya Malakar, Kristy Lee Cook, Megan Joy, Tim Urban, Paul McDonald
> And of course, the white guy with a guitar
- see: the last five Idol winners
Now onto the boys. Since the girls bored me to tears last night, I can only hope the guys actually put some effort and energy into their performances. Guys have a lesser probability of singing big diva ballads so hopefully there'll be less of that.
And they start the show by pimping the girls like hell. Ugh. Cut it out.
Paul Jolley - "Tonight I Wanna Cry" by Keith Urban
Paul starts off the show by whoring his dead grandfather for sympathy votes. *yawn* And then he sings a ballad. Nooooooooo. This song is just blatant pandering. He sits on a stool and just moves his head when he sings. His lower register sounds off as do his high notes. He's just off-key everywhere and ends with an Idol-trademark glory note and a weird run of notes.
Nicki was so much warmer to the girls than she is to Paul right now.
Grade: D+. Idol is doing a good job making the guys look like crap so far.
Johnny Keyser - "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz
The song starts off slow again *zzzzzzzz* then kind of picks up and sounds a little gospelly. Johnny is off-key in places and just seems a little hesitant overall. Also ends with the Idol-trademark glory note. But he was better than the first guy. He wasn't as off-key. He had more control but he held back.
Keith has trouble finding the words for his critique. I think he's conflicted with the producers' instructions to treat the guys like shit and the fact that he genuinely likes the performance. Nicki asks him if he has a girlfriend, to which he says no. Nice job, Johnny, now the tweens and bored housewives will vote for you because you're single. Ryan says he's glad there's finally some masculinity on the stage. Seriously, Seacrest? Not cool.
Grade: C+. Could be better.
JDA - "Rumour Has It" by Adele
Already from her video package, I can see JDA is entertaining. Very flamboyant and confident. Now I'm getting excited. She starts singing "Rumour Has It" with her back turned to the audience. The camera does its usual 180-degree pan around the singer. And she actually dances. She's also a little off-key, but her lower register is nice. Then she drops down on the floor dramatically. However, her attempt at oversinging is flat. Then she takes off her little jacket. She finishes off nicely, though. It's very clear from this performance that she loves to entertain.
Keith said JDA put on a show. Nicki said it wasn't a good vocal and Randy said she focused too much on the performance and not enough on the singing. I know that Simon would hate her.
Grade: B-. Actually entertaining in a good way. Thanks for not putting me to sleep, JDA! I hope she advances to the voting rounds. She's awesome.
Ryan pimps the girls out some more. Stop it.
Kevin Harris - "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)" by Bryan Adams
ANOTHER GODDAMN BALLAD. And it's Bryan "Weenie" Adams. Great. He's off-key too. Why can't anyone sing on key on this show? Kevin wants to be an R&B singer with a big voice, but he's really not. His falsetto is a little off at the end.
Keith liked him, Nicki was salivating over him. Randy was bored (me too, Randy). Mariah thought it was the wrong song choice.
Grade: D. Stop boring me. Now.
Chris Watson - "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay" by Otis Redding
He's wearing some studded outfit from head to toe complete with headband. Yes, something uptempo! Now if only he could sing on key. The guys are trying to oversing like the girls, but it's just not working at all. Chris is off-key when he oversings. His last note was off-key and just trailed off until it died. Ouch.
Keith didn't like his song choice. Nicki has a serious lady boner for him and his voice, and asked Randy if Chris should flash him. Randy was bored again.
Grade: C+. Good for singing something that didn't put me to sleep, but there was nothing special about the performance.
Devin Velez - "Listen" from Dreamgirls
Devin whines about being raised by a single mom. Enough with the sob stories, I don't care. Devin sings Dreamgirls, and the beginning of the song seems to low for him. But halfway through the song he starts singing in Spanish, making a million fangirls swoon in front of their TV sets. His high notes are flat. He's off-key for the second half of the song.
The judges are creaming their pants over him. He's going through to the voting rounds, no question.
Grade: D. STOP SINGING BALLADS. There are other ways to show you can sing. You don't need to sing slow songs all the time.
Elijah Liu - "Talking to the Moon" by Bruno Mars
Elijah says that he's half-Mexican and half-Chinese, which means he won't win because American Idol doesn't like Asians. His video package also kind of makes him out to be a player, which makes him look single, so he'll get votes for that. He continues to pander to "the ladies" by singing a Bruno Mars ballad. Ughhhhhhhhhh. Right away, his range is pretty high, but pleasant when he stays on key. He started out sitting on a stool then got up and chose to wander around aimlessly onstage. His falsetto is off-key, too.
Keith thought the song choice was perfect but the vocals were shaky. Nicki wants to have his babies (she wants to bang all the guys doesn't she?). Randy says he's "swagged out". I don't know what that means.
Grade: D+. Apparently he looks like a pop star. I think he looks prepubescent, like one of the One Direction guys, only Asian.
There are three guys left to go. UGH.
Charlie Askew - "Rocket Man" by Elton John
Charlie looks like Shawn White. He also says he goes to JDA for fashion advice and implies the other guys do as well. Charlie says he's socially awkard and he glorifies weirdness. He seems breathy and hesitant and off-key. And now I'm bored. He's bouncing on his feet with the music and his high notes are shouty. He doesn't have the range to sing that high.
Keith calls Charlie a product of Freddy Mercury having a child out of Woodstock. Nicki says Charlie reminds her of her little brother. Charlie talks over the judges sometimes, which makes the judges comments go on longer, WHICH IS NOT GOOD FOR THE SHOW'S TIME CONSTRAINT. Randy called it stage school (I agree).
Grade: D-. I found him unprofessional.
Jimmy Smith - "Raining on Sunday" by Keith Urban
Jimmy is a Keith fanboy. So he sings a Keith Urban song. And he's off-key in the chorus. Ugh. And I'm bored. The problem with having actual musicians and singers on the panel is that people will pander to them, which I don't like.
Nicki seemed to be slurring her words during her critique (did she borrow Paula's Vicodin?) and she didn't like his vocals. The judges overall were iffy about him.
Grade: D-. I was bored again.
Curtis Finch, Jr. - "Superstar" by Luther Vandross
He's a church singer, so he sings another ballad. WHYYYYYYYY? He's making pained faces when he sings and it all just seems over the top. He's jumping from low to high notes and he's off-key. I'm tired of this shit. Then he hits this shrill falsetto glory note that sounds like a cat. His falsetto is not pleasing.
The judges have been surprisingly positive for most of the guys tonight. Randy says he can sing anything. Really? Anything? So he could sing something like Dream Theater and he'd still sound awesome?
Grade: D- for wailing falsetto and boring me.
The good: the guys didn't try to sing big diva ballads, except for Devin. The bad: the night was still full of ballads. Zzzzzzzzzzz.
After the judges pretended to discuss who was getting cut, Curtis The Gospel Singer, Asian Elijah, Paul The First Singer (why???), Socially Awkward Charlie, and Dreamgirls Devin advanced while Jimmy Keith Urban Fanboy, Kevin Dreadlocks, JDA (NOOOOOOOO!), Chris and His Studded Headband, and Single Johnny are cut. Paul The First singer was a split decision so they had to call Jimmy Iovine to break the tie.
The producers would rather have Paul who's boring over JDA?? Seriously???????????
You know, as bad as a lot of the singers are, I'm probably gonna watch this all the way to the final. Because I'm that much of a masochist. :P